Yes you. All of you gas sucking, Arab loving SUV Driving Road Hogging Self Important Lemmings:

Call me old fashioned. I learned to drive a volkswagen beetle in Mexico when I was 14. We were spending several weeks in Mexico. I learned to drive on the runway they used in the movie “Catch 22″ where there wasnt anyone else and I couldnt kill anyone except myself.

Can one of you morons explain to me where you learned that it was OK to drive your beast of an automobile in a manner that makes truckers look like a scene from “Driving Miss Daisy”?

Before you take offense at me for calling you morons (just get over it. You know its true AT LEAST every time you put gas in your car), consider todays experience of mine. As I was merging onto the freeway, clearly ahead of the lovely yummy mummy in her X5, I put on my right turn signal (thats right, the onramp lands in the middle of the freeway, so cars actually have to LOOK where they are going).

The turn signal clearly means to her “Speed up so i can keep him from merging.” She is quite successful in her tactic, as I am unable to speed up or slow down to get into the lane I need. My heart began to pound as the drama unfolded. My offramp was a mere 600 feet away, and I had no where to go. Was I going to have to drive an extra mile before exiting the freeway or could I perhaps negotiate with this woman for an extra 12 feet of space for my little PT Cruiser?

Things looked grim for me. I thought for sure I was lost. I started to sweat. I started to swear, thinking about how much the extra 2 miles would cost me in gasoline. I wished for this womas death…how dare she take food from my family’s table!

But I was saved. I was saved by, of all things, the cell phone. In a split second, she looked down and snapped open her cellphone (no doubt the bejewelled Paris Hilton kind). As she became immediately lost in the importance of her conversation, she meandered just enough for me to squeeze in.

Did she relent? Did she finally decide that the extra 12 feet she consumed would not garner her enough of an advantage to wherever she was going that she could be generous to me?

I was relieved when the answer came clearly with the sounding of her horn. She had NOT intended me to win our imaginary powerstruggle over NOTHING. She was angry that I caught her sleeping….behind the wheel of her 4,000 lb BMW Mastodon.

I won her. Neener Neener. Sure, she might have moved over a lane, sped up and flipped me the bird (with her other hand holding the cell phone, not the wheel), but I won her.

She will return home and have the gardener pick the remnants of bigwheels, roadkill, small children and mobile hot dog carts from the fender and grill of her car. She will thrash around in bed, knowing I won her…keeping her from her destination by a whole .3 seconds.

Whats worse….is that she wont do any of that. She will think Im just an asshole and forget about it. She will never learn. She will put 75.00 worth of gas in her tank every 3 days and never think about the men and women dying in a middle eastern shithole while Halliburton and the Oil Companies get rich off of the morons like her.